Dementia

My dad is not my dad anymore. His short term memory is gone and a lot of other changes are happening too that scare me to high heaven. Currently my mother, bless her soul, is his caretaker. He was diagnosed with dementia almost 2 years ago and since that time I've seen him change and go down hill. When he was first diagnosed he was so paranoid that all of us (my sister and I, mom, and his brothers and sisters) were out to get him. He even threatened to harm mom. When that happened we knew something was not quite right. Tell tale signs we also saw in him was his driving abilities. He would stop in the middle of a street - for no apparent reason. Or he would change lanes without regard to who might be in the other lane. Then he would deny that he did that at all. He lost things constantly. Repeated himself. Now he can't even balance a check book, find anything at all. Hides everything then denies that he had anything to do with anything you ask him about.

The kick he is on now is this van we are trying to sell. Since he shouldn't be driving my sister, mom and I thought it would be best to have just one car for them both. The van is his and always was. Dementia is so complicated and it's wearing me out just trying to explain it. Anyways, it's been moved to a friends house who lives along a busy highway in hopes more people will see it and maybe we will get a good response. He has it in his head that it needs an oil change.... so last night I took Dad to go see where the van was - he thought it was at a service place getting something done to it. I explained to him how we have been trying to sell it for him so he doesn't have to keep making payments on it. Well, he seemed ok once he got to see with his own eyes that his van was still around. And he was telling me there would be no reason to get the oil changed right now since he was not driving it. I was so happy that he finally was going to let it go. WAS I WRONG! Poor mother called me at work this morning telling me he was throwing a fit about the van and that I never took him to see it and I was trying to hide it from him and on and on and cussing her upside down and out. Gosh I felt helpless at that moment. I asked my sister if she would please go and check on them so she did. Well, she ended up arguing with dad about me not hiding the van and that we are not lying to him about anything. I guess at one point she just screamed at him, "DAD, JUST SHUT UP... PLEASE JUST SHUP UP!!" He would not let her get a word in edgewise. I really felt bad once she told me that. But see this is what happens in the life of a family who has been struck with this awful condition. You love your parents no matter what. He can say some pretty mean things to me or my sister and to my mom. But you know it's not him. Not really. But it still hurts just the same! Poor sis felt bad all day that she has said that to dad. I can only imagine what mom really goes through. We told mom the day we feel she is in harms way with dad is the day we will put him in a nursing home. She does not deserve to live out her remaining days on this great earth to be punished by dad everyday and every night. I just ask God to take him before he takes her. That is awful to say I KNOW THIS... I love my dad but I do not like the man who NO LONGER lives inside of him.

Please Lord, be with me when I feel so lost and afraid for my dad. I know the dad I grew up loving is in there somewhere. Keep him safe from himself. Keep mom a loving caretaker that she still is. She needs your strength and she needs wisdom to find ways to keep dad in check. And most of all give us a sense of humor through the stages of my dad's disease. In my Savior's most loving name, Jesus, Amen.

A Week Later; Picking up the Pieces

(This image is a fountain which honors my late mother-in-law, it's in a garden at our church).

Today was a good day. After losing our friend and co-worker, Cary Aspy, we have found ourselves feeling overwhelmed with emotions from those who are wishing his family and Schnitz Racing families all their love and prayers. And I believe it's working. I feel a whole lot more in touch with the world today than I did a week ago. I feel more at peace. That peace is coming from God.

I have begun reading a book that I've had for about a year and am surprised that it didn't catch my eye sooner. It's called, Living Simply in God's Abundance. The author has written an 86 day devotional designed for women. It's how she views the seasons of our lives; Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. It's very good indeed. Quite random at times but draws us to our Creator in many subliminal messages of hope, grace, peace, and love.

One question she asks is, "What is old?" She quotes General Douglas MacArthur: "Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideas...You are as young as your self-confidence, as old as your despair." She makes an observation that points to three ideals about getting old: Old is when you lose your dream, Old is when you start turning in on yourself, Old is when you look backward more than you look forward. I am trying really hard to not do any of that!

Stress busters are included throughout the book as well. One is to to sit quietly for 5 minutes and chant something peaceful. Closing the eyes and whispering... (like find peace among the papers)

It's getting late and I'm hungry so I will end my post for now. Sweet dreams to you and yours; live well and love like there's no tomorrow. God Bless!

Loss of a Friend

Ok, so my mother-in-law died in Nov 2007, my father-in-law just this past June, my mom's sister this past weekend, and now a friend and co-worker just Monday was killed in a motorcycle/SUV accident. Were they all ready to go to their final resting places? Who knows? Am I - are you?? I believe I am spiritually ready but I am not ready to leave my loved ones. I'm sure they were not either. But I know they are resting and waiting for all of us again.

This friend of mine, his name on the internet was KLRCary. He loved his KLR650 motorcycle and he was a mechanic at our workplace. And a very good one at that. He sure had an ornory side to him. Very mischeivous and playful but also very serious when there was work to be done. A lot of people knew they could depend upon Cary to get the job done and it would be done with precise accuracy. How many of us work hard like that with what we are paid to do 40 hours a week? You know God calls us to give our best in all that we do whether we like doing it or not. The payoff is to be in His presence someday and to live with Him in the heavenlies. That's what I want at the end of my life. I know Cary wanted that too. We had lots of deep spiritual conversations. He knew the Lord and believed in Him.

So I am sad of his passing from this earth but jealous because he made it to heaven before I did... I thank God for his life while he was with us. I know he's riding something or fixing something for God right now. Go Cary!

As you go to bed tonight please thank God for your life and where He has put you. Maybe you are not happy where you are but God knows what He's doing and has a plan for you so just give Him the reigns over your life and enjoy the ride!

God Bless!