Who am I ?

Genealogy has been something I've toyed with occassionally. I don't have time to devote to it but I believe when I retire I will definitely look into making a big plunge.


Recently, I've discovered some long lost relatives but they don't seem to want to know me so I will keep plugging away. I may possibly be related to King Henry the IV on my maternal side. If I can prove it I shall start calling myself Queenie... nice ring!

My paternal grandfather was very interested in genealogy and he had a lot of information that sat around and not until after his death did anything get done with it. My dad's oldest brother put together a family history of sorts and now my dad's sister, who lives in Switzerland, is putting together all kinds of great information and stories of long ago. She's very devoted to this art of finding out who "we" are. I love her and admire her tenacity. She gets the job done that is for sure.

I'm going to start putting together all that I have for now so that my children can begin to understand who and where we all came from and what makes us who we are! It's an exciting journey and I hope to post more soon - at least after the holidays; who knows I could be related to YOU!

Hang in there friends and foes... whoever you are... take it one day at a time...

Will You Remember Me Tomorrow?

I am the product of two people who met in the 1950's. And now I'm ghastly aware of how fast my life has passed by. Ironically, I couldn't wait to grow up and get married and have a family of my own. Now that I have done all that I'm now wanting time to slow down so I can enjoy the fruits of my "labor", aka grandchildren. In the midst of all the fun of spending time with my grandchildren I am also trying to hold onto the years I have left with my parents before they are gone from my siblings and I.
My father has dementia/alzheimer's - you probably know somebody whose had to deal with this kind of disease. It's hard. Very hard to not lose patience or self control. And I'm not the the main caretaker. My mother has had the role reversal of her life as his caretaker. I'd like to say I share in that responsibility with my sister and brothers. But we really don't have a clue as to what it takes to take care of Dad like mom does. He always took care of everything from paying bills to making major purchases to planning their lives out through the so called golden years. Little did I know this man I lovingly call "Dad" would end up needing mom and my siblings and I more than he could ever imagine.

I have twin brothers who have lived in Texas for most of their adult life raising families of their own. They get to see the changes in dad more drastically than my sister and I because we see dad most every week and have seen his progression into the disease at all stages. They recently came home to Indiana to visit with mom and dad. The sad part of this is dad doesn't recall any of their time spent with him. His short term memory is now no memory of daily life. He'll never remember anymore birthday celebrations, grandchildren sitting on his lap, kisses or hugs, funny stories shared, dinners together, conversations, Christmas', no he'll never have those memories again...

I try to help my mom out as much as I can while still having to work 40 hrs a week and keep up my own little corner of the world. Luckily they only live about three miles from me and I can make quick trips over to their home when mom needs me at a moments notice. And I've had to go and rescue her from her own sanity at times by getting dad out of the house and bringing him to my home for a few hours while mom has a little time to herself. I jokingly tell my husband I hope he is taking notes...

My hope for my father, knowing he will never get better because of this disease, is that he will leave this place with most of his mind still intact. He still calls me by name which I know could change on a dime. Mom told me he's had two instances in the past week when he's awoken from a nap and didn't know who she was...

I know dad is in the beginning of the latter stages of alzheimers. But you know what? Once in awhile my dad will be himself for just a moment and say something to me that only dad would say and I feel on top of the world because I know my dad is still in there somewhere. Most of the time he doesn't talk, he just sits there and I wonder what is going on in his head? How confused must he really feel as he looks around and isn't sure who is sitting across the table from him or why his house doesn't look like the house he remembers years ago with little children running around asking him to please come outside and play baseball. He will get up in the middle of the night and ask mom where the babies are... she has to gently remind him that we are all grown up and live in our own houses. She gently leads him back to bed and tells him to go to sleep... tell me dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Sunday is Palm Sunday. Go to church and remember why Jesus died for you and I.

April Brings...

A new baby into our family is what the first day of April brought to us! Zayne Devere arrived at five pounds and two ounces. His length was 16 1/2". He was four weeks premature due to momma's placenta previa. A few days later he had one of his little lungs collapse. The doctors moved swiftly and put a breathing tube into each lung to begin a process of restoration to his lungs. Things are looking up thanks to many people sending prayers upward to the heavens and asking God to keep his eye on this little sparrow.

My only wish is that all of this had taken place here back where they were living near us. But my daughter-in-law felt a need to move back to California where she is from. And this is without my son. So my (now 3) grandchildren from this marriage will be tossed around between states. I pray that God will reconcile the two adults and make them realize they can get through the things that have driven them apart. I've been there in my marriage and look at me now - thank you Jesus! It's the hard work that gives you a sense of a strong marriage when you can look back at those hard times and what you had to do - both of you - to make it work. God doesn't tell us we will have bliss our entire marriage, no, quite contrary he tell us we will have dark times but when they come He will be there to pull us out of the ashes and into the light!

We learn so much through those times. I think this is a learning time for my son.

Thank you Jesus for all that you've done, are doing, and will do again in my life.

Thank you Jesus for wonderful and loving friends who pray and love you up in the middle of a personal crisis. My wonderful church family did this for me today. But I learned a great lesson that I thought I really understood but didn't until this day. Even those of us with great faith need the strength of others to build us up from time to time. And my faith needed building up today and it received much love and mercy from others because I had the courage to tell others what I've been going through with my son and his wife. I guess I'm allowed to feel discouraged, right? I'm only human afterall.
I will think on this day again when I need to remember that I'm loved not only by my family but by my church family too because they are who God has blessed me with in my life to lean on when troubled waters come pouring down. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Press On-Selah

When I am feeling down this is the song I can relate to. And God is there holding me like the lyrics of this song; I will Press On one day at a time.

ANOTHER HALLELUJAH -- LINCOLN BREWSTER TRIBUTE TO JIM ELLIOT

I love this song. Enjoy - I hope the Geico commerical doesn't throw you off. Get past it and enjoy this very lovely melody... I did.

Pain

I've been to the Dr now and we can't seem to find where my pain is coming from. I've been asked if I'm under stress... Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes I think I must be. This pain started in my back on the right side. About 2 months ago is when I first noticed it. So I've had a thorasic xray~ nothing; then a chest xray~ nothing... so I'm done except for maybe checking into chiropractic help. I'll get on that as soon as I find some time.

A morning televsion show with a lady who does stretching exercises on PBS has helped me to endure this pain a little better. I feel a little better mentally too after doing these stretches. I think I shall continue on with it and see what additional help it brings.

A good dose of my ex pastor would help. I miss him a lot. I just miss his presence on Sundays. Nothing against our new pastor. Abosolutely nothing. I really like her. Maybe someday he will come and visit our church again. A very nice thought!

Anyways, I digress, back to the pain issue. It now radiates my entire middle section of my back from one side of my back to the other. So I think something is out of place. Yes, I think so. It hurts some to take deep breaths too so I know that's not right. My husband and I are both going in to have some blood work done to see if anything shows up there. Gosh, I just want the pain to stop. On a scale of 1 to 10 some days are a 7 tetering to 8. But things at work have been hectic too and I'm on the phone with people all day long and that gets CRAZY!

And one more issue in my life is a more complicated one. One that I feel I really don't know how it will end~ maybe because I will not live long enough to see how it plays out and actually, I don't want to live to see how it ends. It hurts a lot to begin to even speak about it. But I need to pour it out to somebody even if it's just this computer screen.

God has seen my pain, heard my cries, enveloped me in His loving Grace and given me peace that passes all understanding. I've read bible verses. Meditated on his word... everything. But I still am going down, down, down. I don't want to feel this way. I really, really don't. I even said something out loud half teasing but half truthful too, and it scared me. But I'm not repeating what I said because my true inner self, the one who really loves God, will not allow those words to be spoken again. It had to be satan. It had to be. I'm not letting him in again. Never. So be it.

My son, Luke, and his wife are divorcing ~ this has been so painful for me to go through because of the baby girls they have and a little boy soon to be born in April. Three little lives are going to be torn apart before they even get the chance to know what a life would be like with a mommy and a daddy in it... together... in love, with love, for better or for worse. I can't fix this. I can't fix this. I can't fix this. I hate this. I HATE THIS. She's in California waiting to have the baby. He's here. Too many miles apart. How will this work out? How? How?How? I pray for a miracle from God. Please, Lord...

Almost Birthday Time!

I will soon be 53. Very soon. I cannot believe everything I have been blessed with in my young life - LOL~ yes I have been blessed by God in many ways.
Recently, my oldest son and his wife have separated. They have 2 little girls and a baby boy soon to be born in May. I do not understand why they cannot make their marriage work. I am mad as hell. I want to tell it like it is to both of them. But God tells me to stay calm and let Him do his thing as only He can do. So be it.
So happy birthday to me... then my other son and his family are moving even farther away from us... double whammy! But again, God will take care of this as well.
My health is very good at the moment. I am having a little trouble with some back issues so I am going to seek my Dr.'s opinion tomorrow and see what is going on. Probably disc problems... or something else. I don't know so asking for prayers from my followers... ok?
Yesterday, as I was speaking to my sister, I said to her, "You know what, sis? We thought last year was a rough one... I have a sinking feeling this year is going to top it." She agreed. We still have our aging parents, thank you Jesus, but it's getting harder to manage their lives. But they took care of me for many years and I will take care of them the best way I know how. Dad's alzheimers is getting progressively worse but he still knows all of us so for that I am so thankful. Thinking about how I used to be able to ask Dad about "stuff" and getting his wonderful remarks has made me feel so sad and long for his ideas and opinions and life stories... I miss my dad... he's still here but he is not daddy anymore... my daddy has been gone for several years. Gosh I miss those conversations... Help me Jesus I pray.
My mom's health is not so wonderful. I feel the burden of her caring for dad is taking a toll much more than we realize. I feel sorry for her. I know it's a difficult thing to live it. But because I still must work 40 hrs a week I cannot help with the things she has to do. Like put him to bed each night and wonder if he will stay there or wander around. For now he has not been doing that thanks to some meds the dr. prescribed. But he does get "sundowners" where he imagines things like instead of the 2 dogs they have he's always missing 2 more "little black dogs".... not sure where that comes from - they have never had any black dogs... maybe it's something from childhood? Or he imagines they are still in Florida where they used to have a place. Or... or...
Poor mom. That's a great love she has for him. Thank you Jesus.
Just taking it one day at a time...